No really, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
I have heard this question 185 times at least this week. It’s really nice, and because it’s so nice I feel like I should just be nice right back and say “I’m good, thank you!” because I’m not actually sure what type of response is being hoped for.
How am I feeling?
As far as the child in my womb goes, things are good. I’m used to being pregnant by now and I’m comforted by not being able to sleep really at all and having to pee every two seconds and my belly involuntarily bouncing and rolling and hiccuping without me having to do any work because that means things are normal. So, as far as that goes, great. Also, if you were wondering about my cervix as so many strangers, neighbors, and family members are.. It’s very much still there, my friends, but I have opted out of cervical checks at this point, so as to what my cervix is doing right now? Your guess is as good as mine. My money is on dilated to a 2 and 50% effaced which it has really favored in pregnancies past until the big debut. My boobs are getting nice and leaky if that comforts your worried soul in anyway?
Oh, did I mention we’re buying a house? Yeah, we were bored by the idea of just having a baby, so we decided to do the 2nd (actually 1st) most stressful thing humanly possible and buy a house at the very same time. We like to keep things spicy. We were supposed to close last week but that wasn’t cutting it quite close enough, so our closing date got pushed to this week.. so far we’re on for Friday (again) and wouldn’t you know it, the checks should all clear exactly on my due date which is when we can move in. So, will I be delivering here at my current house while it’s torn apart in packing boxes? Will I go into labor while our stuff is strewn between two homes? Will this baby hold out for the chaos to die down and wait a week past her due date for us to get settled in the new place? Not only do I not have any idea, I also have no control over said situation. So how ’bout them apples?
So how am I feeling about all of this?
The only thing I can control over the situation is my own behavior and I am trying, trying, trying to stay calm (and by trying I mean laying down as much as possible with a diffuser full of lavender blowing at my face while I massage my temples saying “ooommmmmm”). I pray, a lot. I have an internal battle of being anxious about labor and delivery and so unbelievably excited to meet my baby, but seriously trying to slow down my body’s progress to wait until I’m on more certain ground to comfortably have her. “Please baby, come out.. I mean don’t. Not right now, I mean. Maybe later.. like much later.. like after my curtains are hung in my new bedroom, perhaps? But I bet you’re so cute so if you want to come now, totally do. But actually, wait.” And I’m also in denial about how rapidly my due date is approaching, which leaves me looking like a deer in the headlights anytime someone asks me how much time I have left. I feel like laying on the floor crying much of the day like a toddler who has no say and control over their own life.
On the other hand, I have never felt so incredibly lucky and blessed in my life. These “problems” I have this year are “problems” I have prayed for for years! Remember last year how my heart was so hurt at the loss of my pregnancy? And here I am now, so completely full of a baby I will be welcoming here very shortly. Exactly a year later. What a miracle that is! And for the last 7 years as we have gone through financial struggles and tried to get our feet under us and have worked and worked and worked for this very moment of our lives.. it’s here! The hard work paid off! We’re finally in the position we have set out for. I mean, I can’t think of a more exciting time in our lives, truly. I almost feel guilty for being stressed because it’s so exciting I feel like I should just be enjoying it. And I am. But it is overwhelming stuff, even though it’s good things to be overwhelmed with. So I need to also show myself grace and let myself feel what I need to feel. It’s okay to feel out of control because I am exactly that. The only thing holding me steady is the enormous fact that I am not in control and luckily, I don’t have to be.
As my best friend Haley reminds me, God’s got me. He’s got this whole situation and I don’t need to worry my pretty little soul about a thing.